Mum...

...... kirjoitti:

mum, do you know what I'm feeling?
Have you any idea what you're
daughter is doing?

Yes, your daughter,
one of them

It's something you've always
been shamed off -
'cause your daughter

All things you said to me,
mum,
do you remember them all?
I do. I really do.
Every single one.

You thought I didn't care,
that I wasn't listening -
but I did, I was,
and alltought tears are
fished,
you've wrote them to my soul,
to my heart -
by my own blood,
blood of my heart

I can't be with people, mum,
they can't say that they care
abaut like I would believe it,
and I love them so much,
I'd do anything for them,
but I can't even think that
they could do even half of those
things for me -
'cause like you've said,
I'm so terrible, ugly and pointless,
I can't let them do anything for me,
they can't really love me,
'cause I'm not worth it,
'cause I don't deserve it,
like you told me mum,
I heard you,
I was listening,
and I do care

And if that all is true,
you made a good thing for people,
mum,
I can't never hurt anyone
very deeply,
'cause they can't be so close to me
that it would be possible to hurt

But if it's not true,
if I'm not as terrible
as satan,
you cursed me,
mum,
I can't be lover
by people who I love,
'cause I can't let them to,
there are an armour wich
stops that to happen

I know,
I maybe wasn't a perfect
daughter, I wasn't an easy
child,
I know it was hard to you,
you were with me in hospitals,
you were awaken listening
that I breathed -
but if things you said
is true,
It would be better to you
took a pillow,
put it on my mouth -
and I wouldn't need to know
all this

I'm sorry mum,
I'm sorry when I have to write
things like this,
I'm tired to be alone,
suffering,
when there are so many people
around me having fun,
there withm me,
but I can't be with them

I'm maybe worth of nothing,
no one,
but I can be hurt too,
my soul is so injured,
that it can't be fixed

And behind laughing,
making jokes,
smiling,
I'm sad, tires for this,
being like this,
and when I seem to be okay,
I'm not,
I'm everything else than okay,
'cause one moment sometimes,
one minute of an hour,
I'm really, true happy,
but those other fiftynine minutes,
I'm sad behind the smile

I'm anxiously, mum,
every day, every monent,
and your words are killing me,
they are like poison -
I'm not strong enough,
but if you really had to do that,
for other people happiness,
I can understand that

But if you said those things
'cause you were angry
with you're wild daughter,
I'm so dissapointed,
mum,
'cause you took something
I can't never get back,
you made me something
wich I have to live with
the rest of my life

I'm a different girl
I used to be, mum,
the real happiness
and smile is gone
forever, it's gone
and I can't never
be the same again

After sixteen years
I'm suffered enough,
right?
I can't take this anymore,
suffering like this
is too much to handle

kirjoitti:

Anonyymi

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