I married a Fin 6 years ago, and we have two kids together now plus one girl from him with his ex and one girl from my ex. we have been fighting about his ex all the time and I got so tired. his kid is almost 15 years old and lived with us for more than 4 years without any money support from her mother, I dont complain about that as far as we have money for food. the fact is her mother make trouble to me all the time and did not take care of her kid as in the agreement. what I am asking from my husband is that follow the agreement between him and his ex for the visiting arrangement, but every time, her mother does not want to take her as agreed and my husband just want to accept it. it is really unfair to me that I need to cover her responsibility all the time without any appreciation from any side. Even no one say thank you to me. I dont know how have they think of me? I am not the person break their marriage because when i met my husband, his ex married the second husband for 3 years already. I dont know what the hell is going on in my husband's mind. today I ask him to inform his ex about the ski holiday what the kid should be with her mother, he got again pissed off and threaten me that he will live with her daughter at grandmother's place or hotel for the ski holiday. if he abandant me with three other children, especially the other two little kids who are his kids, alone home for one week just because he dont want to bother his ex, I dont think I need this kind of husband any more. what do you think?
shall I give up the marriage?
hopeless
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Vanhimmat
we have been fighting for something else, including faith, trust and drinking problem. all this problem have gone through and only remain his ex and daughter's as the pain in our life all the time. 6 years is not a short period in my life, and it was not easy for me to hold it.I have delicated my heart, generosity, patience and soul to this marriage, I have taken much pain and unfair treatment that I would never take if I have one more chance of life, still not enough for this man and his ex. Do I still need to waste my life on this kind of arguement and bear the others' bullshit to me, NO WAY!
I can uderstand this situation is very unfair to you, but still i feel even more sorry for that kid whos not taken care by the real mother. that propably makes the kid feel unsecure and bullshitting everyone (or just you?) even more in addition to test if anyone really cares.anyway, what im trying to say is that, this kid hasnt cause this shit, the ex has.
ofcourse thats not a reason to stay in a bad marriage...
this you have to figure out yourself, i hope u make the right decision, what ever it is.
you able to take economically care of yourselves and your children after the possible divorce? If not, forget it! We Finnish taxpayers don't want any new burdens.
To ARE:
Please dont think that I am like some other finns or freigners' utilize Finnish social benefits. I am a taxpayer for Finnish government too and my taxpayment has been in a high level, over 33% all the time, so you can calculate my income. even at this moment I am doing my final study for master degree in university, I believe I will have better chance than before.
this predejuce to Foreigners is understandable because there are this kind of person, but at the same time, I noticed many Finns did the same, have you noticed? black work while take the unemployment benefit, change address to get kela support for renting while actually living with parents. every sociality has its darkside, dont push the responsibility of darkness to only foreigners.
Definitely finance secure is important to a marriage, but a dead or suffered marriage could bring worse effect to a children's mental and character develpoment than lack of fincance support. moreover, I am not the person as my husband's ex, only born the baby for fun, after that abandent them to the man( 3 kids, 3 father, she only take the little one with her). If I do not have the ability to raise them, I will not born them. Abotion is legal in Finland, isn't it?
may be you can hold on the marriage without any real feeling for only the finance reason, but I can not.
And if one day I divorce, I can and I will take care of my kids by myself as before.
prejudiced Finn - AGAIN! The others must be ashamed of you!
...
imho, your attitude is heartless. your husband is a man with a heart in the right place. The kid needs a safe parent, and your husband is clearly up into that role. But are you - what would you want to do with the 15 yo whose mother doesn't want to have him/her? poor guy, has to live with you.
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to ddddssdasv:
yes, this poor guy still wants to live with me.
If you have been use all your heart on a kid for 4 years, then you did not receive any appreciation from her especially when she is so old? are you willing to cook for this kid while the other small kids around you, crying while she is sitting in front of tv doing nothing? are you willing to wash for her all the time? are you willing to see her broke family rules, harass younger one at school time to time?
are you still willing to help her homework or go her school meeting when she time to time yealling to you that you are not her mother? do you accept that she weared the clothes i bought yesterday, then today tell my friends that i never buy for her? can you bear this kind of situation for 4 years while you are pregent, work, have baby, study going on same time? are you still willing to keep this kid if her mother fucked up your life time to time?
If you can, I admire you, you are either great or crazy.
what I am asking from her if she want to stay with us IS BEHAVE herself and give a help hand when it is need, is that too much??????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is better to divorce than keep on fighting amongst children. Strong women will always survive and you are strong also in your economical independence. You don't have to care about stupid and prejudice Finns and anything else. Take care of children and yourself!
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Olipa hyvä tuo edellinen viesti tähänkin ketjuun, koska siinä näkyy loistavasti tuon naisia vihaavan äijän logiikka: Ei mitään järkeä missään kirjoittelussa.
Oli ketjussa kyse miten tumpelosta äijästä tahansa, joka ei tajua katsoa lastensa parasta, niin tuo töhertelijä horisee vain menopausseista, seksielämästä ja PMS:stä... HOHHOIJAA...
To Lasten Etu:
If I dont put this kid benefit at the top, I would not keep her living with us for more than 4 years. I could refused 4 years ago from her mother to take her over to us. I am also a mother of other kids, I am not a cold blood woman like her mother, 3 kids 3 father, and dump two to ex men without care. I believe I consider more about her kid future than her bioparents.
Her mother dump the kid to us, mainly two reason, one is that she lost control of this kids already at her age of 8 to 10 in Helsingi, she was escape from school, hanging with Russian boys in the city, school grade is so poor that she even can not catch up in the class, she is jelousy, greedy, lazy and lie around people. the other reason is very clear that her mother wants to fucked my life up by using this kid.
I was naive enough at that time, I believe that kindness and love can wake the evil people up and can help the lost sheep back to track. there has been good effect and chances while I took her away from Finland with us, and within 3 years without the other adults disturbe her life. but after we moved back, everything changed back and goes to worse situation until to present situation that I do not want her and I can not hold on with her any more, especailly when she grow bigger and bigger, she learn from her mother and others how to against me in purpose.
I have my life to go on, and I think I had done enough to this kid, I have never put so much attention and effort on my own kid. I am not a person easy to give up, but i dont want to be stupid enough to bump my head to a stone wall to death. if divorce is the only to solve my problem at this moment, I will definitely go for it.
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I MUST ask, if her DAD doesn't do anything because of his child? The tragedy is that her mum delined her to father and father left her you, neither of parents is keen on bringing up or loving that cild.
You've done moore than which is human and I don't wonder, why you are now tired of teen agers bad behavor. Legally you're not in charge of her/him, It should be ideal to get some kinf of support from municipality, but the situation there may be awful. The child welfare is focused to take children away from their homes and after that nobody is not interested, what happens to the child. If a child has a good luck, he will get a good foster family, but allways the luck doesn't smile in these situations. The parents and other relatives have no possibilities to the cild after that. Administrative Court is not the same thing than criminal justice. In Administrative Court you cannot get neutral trial in your case. This is illegal and unhuman, but this has been the reality in Finland for the last twenty years.
That child is finding the limits, what she can do, is there any adult, who loves her much enough. It's up to you, what happens next. Your most important task is to take care of your own child... Nobody can tell you what to do, but if I were you, I should take my own cild/children and leave the others. Is it heartless to say that? I don't know, but you've done much enough in that family.
To Difficult situation:
Thanks for your understanding.
the other problem with this kid is that she requests everybody's full intention on her, but she never show any appreciation, even say thank you back. she thought what the others did for her is what we owned her, she must obtain the best, the most of everything in this family. i can buy 3 piece of clothes for her, and 3 or less 3 piece for my daughter, but if I dare to buy 1 piece of more than what I bought for her, then it will be a big problem, she will start to cry and calling around to tell grandmother or mother that she was unfairly treated, then grandmother will call back to blaim us. she never count how much she has got, she only counts what the others got.
even all my family members treat her much special than my daughter when she visited my family. everyone is considering all the time how she will feel, she has been the center of this family, even that her mother is supportive to her to against me. in her facebook, none of us are listed as her family except her mother. when she was 14, I start to ask her to think if I am not a qualified mother, what did her mother do for her? before that I never even say anything bad about her mother in front of her, instead, I tought her to consider her mother's situation, dont be a booldsucker to squeeze her mother's money for all kinds of unneccesary expenses, she has more than enough clothes than other kids in general as I compare our situation with the other relatives who has kids, but nothing happens. instead, her mother demostrated me by every time bought her full laguage of new clothes which many of them she will never wear.
I have told her that if you mother realy has so much money and wants to spend on you, why not save it monthly for you and give to you when you grow up( we are doing this for her for 4 years, but did not tell her, otherwise she will plan how to spend this money already). then grandmother also encourage her and support her in wrong spending all the time, when I went to discuss with grandmother that how we would like to raise up our kids and we want our kids repect the other's money and work, and learn to say no to unnecessary offers, grandmother said I will buy her what she wants. that is it.
her father feels the same as I do, but his words means nothing to this girl now, after i gave up push her to behave at home, her father has been tried all the time, but there is no any change. she still bring the food to room and leave the dirty dishes there for weeks if you dont tell her, she still occupy the sofa and TV watch her favorite program, My sweetest 16 or teen mother, or music channel, if once I want to watch something else, then she will get pissed off.
now i am totally pissed off, and I dont want her any more and i dont want to try any more, I am just physically and mentelly too tired to her. and I have the other 3 kids at home, I can not always put her the top and ignore the other 3, especially when she set up the very bad example to others. I am not heartless, my heart has dead on her, that is the bloody fact.