I recently left Steve, my fiancé of 10 years (we dated for 8, were engaged for 2) for another man, Pete, because he refused to work full time, has a very negative attitude, wants a better life but doesn't want to work for it, and accused me of pushing him into the engagement. There are many more reasons, but those are some of the core issues. The man I left him for is the exact opposite. He is kind, motivated, I melt when I look at him and he is the same for me. After hours of phone calls, I felt guilty and I missed my old fiancé, so I left the man I was with to come back and try and work things out. I am not attracted to him anymore, I don't want to have sex with him or anything related to that, we fight constantly, and yet, even though the other relationship was a happy, healthy relationship, I have this nagging feeling I need to see this through and stick it out. In short, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love them both. I want to get out of my old relationship, but I don't know if I should or I am just misbehaving, incredibly, even though the new man should have stuck up for himself and told me to get lost. So far he still speaks to me and encourages me, whereas I feel torn apart with accusations (again, a reasonable way to feel on his part) by the old relationship. I want to leave and be with the other man, but something is holding me back, I'm unhappy, but there's a shred of hope that, maybe, I can fix the old relationship, even though things are really hard right now. I almost feel like being with the man who will treat me kindly and care for me is like running away to a party instead of doing my homework. I'm so confused and I'm stuck in limbo trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing. Please help me.
There are a lot of things I do truly admire about Steve, like his mechanical skills, so long as he's not being paid to do it, he can fix a car with his eyes shut. His sister was murdered when he moved to Raleigh from New Jersey, he had gotten into a fight with her and she went for a walk and they never saw her again, so at first I understood why he was so controlling, he would want to know when I was leaving a place, what route I was taking, I would have to call him when I left and when I arrived at my destination. I allowed this and almost liked it, because it was safer, but when you give an inch, they take a mile. It got to the point where he was keeping me from my friends and family, not by saying "you can't see them" but by acting hurt and getting upset if I went anyways, crying foul because it took away from our time.
I know he loves me, when things are good; he'll bend over backwards to help me, in the small ways. I had a hard time because my mother is an alcoholic and I have spent most of my life trying to help her and pay her bills. I became so heavily burdened in debt that I had to file for bankruptcy. This was last year. I had seen a million different credit counselors and what not, and he always refused to go, stating that it was none of his business and it made him uncomfortable. I told him if he wanted to marry me like he said he did, it WAS his business, that's when he came out with the whole "you pressured me into the engagement" thing.
My family is heavily military, my father was a Marine and he will never let us forget it so, when my brother stood firm on not wanting to enlist in any branch of the military, to keep the family line going I wanted to enlist in the Navy. Steve didn't like that because he said while I was away in boot camp it would destroy our relationship, so he proposed to me instead. I accepted. For two years I waited for him to WANT to get moving, he would talk about buying a house, though he was working a total of 45 minutes to an hour a day, griped about not getting a raise, but never showed up for more than the stated time. My family had a great deal to say about this, and I fought them every step of the way, trying to defend him, but secretly, I knew they were right.
There are a lot of things I do truly admire about Steve, like his mechanical skills, so long as he's not being paid to do it, he can fix a car with his eyes shut. His sister was murdered when he moved to Raleigh from New Jersey, he had gotten into a fight with her and she went for a walk and they never saw her again, so at first I understood why he was so controlling, he would want to know when I was leaving a place, what route I was taking, I would have to call him when I left and when I arrived at my destination. I allowed this and almost liked it, because it was safer, but when you give an inch, they take a mile. It got to the point where he was keeping me from my friends and family, not by saying "you can't see them" but by acting hurt and getting upset if I went anyways, crying foul because it took away from our time.
I know he loves me, when things are good; he'll bend over backwards to help me, in the small ways. I had a hard time because my mother is an alcoholic and I have spent most of my life trying to help her and pay her bills. I became so heavily burdened in debt that I had to file for bankruptcy. This was last year. I had seen a million different credit counselors and what not, and he always refused to go, stating that it was none of his business and it made him uncomfortable. I told him if he wanted to marry me like he said he did, it WAS his business, that's when he came out with the whole "you pressured me into the engagement" thing.
My family is heavily military, my father was a Marine and he will never let us forget it so, when my brother stood firm on not wanting to enlist in any branch of the military, to keep the family line going I wanted to enlist in the Navy. Steve didn't like that because he said while I was away in boot camp it would destroy our relationship, so he proposed to me instead. I accepted. For two years I waited for him to WANT to get moving, he would talk about buying a house, though he was working a total of 45 minutes to an hour a day, griped about not getting a raise, but never showed up for more than the stated time. My family had a great deal to say about this, and I fought them every step of the way, trying to defend him, but secretly, I knew they were right.
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