Kevennys

The Flood

God told Noah that there would be a great deluge and that he should build an ark that is 450 feet long (300 cubits) by 75 feet wide (50 cubits) by 45 feet high and that it should have three separate stories/decks. Noah obeyed God’s word. While Noah was building this monstrosity God gave the world a slow warning and created global warming. This in turn melted the vast polar ice caps at an alarming rate. In 2349 BC 2 when Noah had finally finished the boat God commanded two of all living land animals, a male and female, to enter the boat. Quickly enough, Noah figured out the boat was nowhere big enough 3 to house all the animals, especially with the millions of test tubes and racks taking up a considerable amount of room. It was then that Noah finally heard the bad news. God said, “Noah you must gather the seed of every animal and place them in the glass receptacles I have provided for you.” Naturally, Noah obeyed Gods order but made his family swear that no one else would ever know. And Noah’s family, being fully righteous, kept their word. Noah got off to a slow start 4 and eventually coined the term “haste makes waste.” He finally figured out if he masturbated 5 the animals during the evening he would remain “clean” under the current Jewish law and not waste a whole days work. Since extracting the “seed” from the female animals was a much larger task, the rest of Noah’s family was assigned to that task. Eventually, Gods work was done and the melted polar ice water was released and the flood began. Then the windows of Heaven were opened and the water from the sky poured down.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Noah's_Ark