This damn...

Well, it's Cradle of Filth. This is, without a doubt, the most hated band in the entire metal scene, especially in black metal. I won't pretend I don't know the reason - it's because they're succesful. Admittedly, the longer they've been around, the worse their music gets, but that's what happens when you discover that living on Ramen noodles and digging through trash cans for money isn't the best way to live. I say, fuck it. Let them do what they want. It's their music, right?

Metalheads will say otherwise, of course. This is the only album I own by Cradle of Filth. I haven't bought another because all the releases after this sounded like fucking shit, and all the releases before it have so far been pretty damn boring. No matter how much you hate this band, you have to admit this album is produced insanely well and it sounds GOOD. I prefer to start things off with making fun of the bands and the album art, but what's the point? Dani Filth, as always, looks like a tiny rat in leather and make-up. He's fucking ridiculous. Short, too. Every time I see pictures of this band I mistake Dani for an angry midget. The other bandmembers look more-or-less average, but I will admit that Adrian looks pretty fuckin' cool. The album art is pretty boring, but has what we in the music business like to call a "budget," meaning it's better than anything I can afford. As usual, they apparently hired someone to take/paint pictures of scantily-clad women in leather. I can actually imagine Dani walking around in Midget Land screeching, "Boobs! I want boobs!!"

This is before he breaks out into a solo version of "Follow the Yellow Brick Road."

As for the music, well, this is the main point of dispute, obviously. Cradle of Filth's intros and intermissions are fucking lame as hell. They're just annoying noises, screeches, orchestral parts, etc. Run-of-the-mill shit I can get anywhere. On the other hand, there are tracks that absolutely stand out. "All Hope in Eclipse" is the reason I bought this album, and it comes in at about track two. It develops well, features a good vocal ensemble, and is otherwise what you'd expect from a well-rehearsed (if not completely fucking drunk and incoherent) band with an expensive producer. The only way to sum up most of these songs is to say that they move from moderately fast, to depressing and slow, to strange and almost heavy.

I'd like to say something about the instruments, but they're barely there. The drums are pretty much hit-or-miss. They work for the sound, but I don't think we should be giving any awards out for mediocre drum work. The guitars are always faded so far into the background that you can't even hear the endless and repetitive riffs. It sounds good, don't get me wrong, but the instruments just are NOT there. Like most good productions, the vocus is on the vocals.

On this album, they're split between deep, coppery melodies (which are used pretty much only as background or introduction) and high-pitched shrieks. Not that impressive, really, but at about two minutes into "All Hope in Eclipse," Dani begins to do something that I can only describe as rapping, black metal-style. Namely, this occurs with the lyrics, "In black bibles I inscribed the words... etc."

Pretty nifty.

This is a good album. If you like Cradle of Filth, you'll like this (or already do). If you hate Cradle of Filth because they make your piss-ant little garage band look bad, or because they're "untrue," or they sold out, then whatever. Go stand in a forest and fuck your little troll friends, because I could give a shit less. The album is excellent, but the image is a fucking joke. If you can ignore the lyrical concepts (the lyrics themselves are some of the best black metal has produced, but the concepts are stupid) and the image, this is probably on of the best albums I've ever heard.

Ignore the shrieking midget, too.