Why do I feel like I do? All of my life I've kept thinking of why heavenly father chose me to live in the middle of all this mess. Then I hear the answers. Don't you know that there are millions of people who are living in wars and under diseases, people ask me. I do. And I'm living in the middle of the war too. We just haven't got guns although sometimes I wish we did. And we don't have outsiders in our wars, have wished for those strangers to show up too. Sometimes it just feels so damn bad. Knowing that some of your loved ones is a total stranger. You just gotta live with everything and be strong. So they say. How am I supposed to be strong when every single day I hear that I'm not good enough? I have tried to be better in every way. And when it hasn't been enough, I've lost it. I've thought that I don't deserve to be here around these oh-so-perfect people.
In my family there are certain things that you can do and certain things that you'd never ever do. Some of those 'never evers' are simple small things that would be alright in any other families. If I manage to do things like my father wants them to be done I get praises. If I don't, I get either hit in the face or just shouts. I like shouts more to tell the truth. They hurt only mentally. Hits hurt both mentally and physically. When I was a kid I used to think that it's alright if father hits or throws me against the wall when I have done something wrong. Nowadays I've learnt that it's not right but I have to live with that anyway. Father hits if he wants to hit. I'm willing to give it all back when I grow just a little bit older. It just gets very hard to do everything in a way he wants them to be done, otherwise good old dad gets angry.
As I said, I'm living in the middle of my personal war. No guns used, only words. Now, a word father, that hurts me. I've often thought of how a person, who should be there for you, catching you when you're falling, can be so cruel. How many times I've tried to understand why and how. My own father treats me like trash. But as long as it's me and not mom, it's totally alright and I'm happy to live with that.
I've often cried the nights out when I've heard my 'dad' shouting at my mom, hitting her and calling her names. Often I've also tried to be there for mum. To stop dad playing games with her and just tried to give her hugs and feel her being near to me. I was just about seven years old when I first tried to stand up for mum. I remember dad trying to strangle her and I desperately tried to get him away from her. The sight was absolutely shocking and not a child should ever go through that. It'll always remain strong in my thoughts and nightmares.
Since then I've always stood out for mum. Always. She's been there for me in every step I've taken and given me hope when I've needed it the most. I've always wanted to give some light back to her, because she deserves it more than anyone in this world. "Life isn't always full of happiness, but you'll be just fine, darling" But mum, I need to know that you will be fine too. I just need to know.
Staring at the news, they say that children who've suffered from assaulting can turn into violent monsters themselves. This worries me. I'm not ready to settle down or get into a serious relationship. That is because I'm deadly scared I'd use hurtful words or worse, use my hands when I get angry. I don't think I'll ever be ready. Gone through therapies and talks about violence, but nothing has healed the memories. I might be turning into my father which is the last thing I'm hoping for. Father, bruises fade but memories stay.
In my family there are certain things that you can do and certain things that you'd never ever do. Some of those 'never evers' are simple small things that would be alright in any other families. If I manage to do things like my father wants them to be done I get praises. If I don't, I get either hit in the face or just shouts. I like shouts more to tell the truth. They hurt only mentally. Hits hurt both mentally and physically. When I was a kid I used to think that it's alright if father hits or throws me against the wall when I have done something wrong. Nowadays I've learnt that it's not right but I have to live with that anyway. Father hits if he wants to hit. I'm willing to give it all back when I grow just a little bit older. It just gets very hard to do everything in a way he wants them to be done, otherwise good old dad gets angry.
As I said, I'm living in the middle of my personal war. No guns used, only words. Now, a word father, that hurts me. I've often thought of how a person, who should be there for you, catching you when you're falling, can be so cruel. How many times I've tried to understand why and how. My own father treats me like trash. But as long as it's me and not mom, it's totally alright and I'm happy to live with that.
I've often cried the nights out when I've heard my 'dad' shouting at my mom, hitting her and calling her names. Often I've also tried to be there for mum. To stop dad playing games with her and just tried to give her hugs and feel her being near to me. I was just about seven years old when I first tried to stand up for mum. I remember dad trying to strangle her and I desperately tried to get him away from her. The sight was absolutely shocking and not a child should ever go through that. It'll always remain strong in my thoughts and nightmares.
Since then I've always stood out for mum. Always. She's been there for me in every step I've taken and given me hope when I've needed it the most. I've always wanted to give some light back to her, because she deserves it more than anyone in this world. "Life isn't always full of happiness, but you'll be just fine, darling" But mum, I need to know that you will be fine too. I just need to know.
Staring at the news, they say that children who've suffered from assaulting can turn into violent monsters themselves. This worries me. I'm not ready to settle down or get into a serious relationship. That is because I'm deadly scared I'd use hurtful words or worse, use my hands when I get angry. I don't think I'll ever be ready. Gone through therapies and talks about violence, but nothing has healed the memories. I might be turning into my father which is the last thing I'm hoping for. Father, bruises fade but memories stay.
Vastaukset 2
Vanhimmat
You know that according to Finnish law, your father is a criminal? You should report him to the social service or the police. You are not alone in your tragedy. You are good enough, you are just fine and a good person, but your father is not. I am sure you will never turn into your father, on the contrary, you will be able to protect not only your own dear ones, but also other children who are being abused. Someone should make a study what it is about Finnish abusing men that turns them into such monsters. They do not deserve a family at all. Your war is almost over, but it continues in so many other families. Please, don't forget. Try to turn your experiences into helping others. You will never be a monster.
sad to read you text. I hope you will do something about it..call a police or anything, but really you and you'r mum dont have to live whit you father. and you dont have to be afraid of hitting someone, because according to you text you are a good person and understanding that its wrong and something that you dont want to do. I think that you dad will get what he deserve and you will get good relationship and better life.
about you mum..have you try to get her to leave you dad? I know that its not easy and maybe you mum love him, but that is something she must do. it not a matter to live together whit that kind of man.
strenght! you will make it :)