I married a Fin 6 years ago, and we have two kids together now plus one girl from him with his ex and one girl from my ex. we have been fighting about his ex all the time and I got so tired. his kid is almost 15 years old and lived with us for more than 4 years without any money support from her mother, I dont complain about that as far as we have money for food. the fact is her mother make trouble to me all the time and did not take care of her kid as in the agreement. what I am asking from my husband is that follow the agreement between him and his ex for the visiting arrangement, but every time, her mother does not want to take her as agreed and my husband just want to accept it. it is really unfair to me that I need to cover her responsibility all the time without any appreciation from any side. Even no one say thank you to me. I dont know how have they think of me? I am not the person break their marriage because when i met my husband, his ex married the second husband for 3 years already. I dont know what the hell is going on in my husband's mind. today I ask him to inform his ex about the ski holiday what the kid should be with her mother, he got again pissed off and threaten me that he will live with her daughter at grandmother's place or hotel for the ski holiday. if he abandant me with three other children, especially the other two little kids who are his kids, alone home for one week just because he dont want to bother his ex, I dont think I need this kind of husband any more. what do you think? Enough is enough. He said today that he does not need anything from the home, when I ask him to talk to his lawyer and write it down, he refused. what a big words, I have heard this many times, so same paska puhua.
Can your man tell you the truth?
hopeless
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Vanhimmat
he needs you more than you need him.
"minun nimeni on..."
siitä se lähtee. puolessa vuodessa oppii kun haluaa.
drop us a line in English and we will believe that you can. Or otherwise, keep clear of this site and go vote Timo Soini, he's the man for you!
Eli menehän tupauuno äänestämään persuja ja juomaan Karjalaa. Maailmassahan ei tarvita muita kieliä kuin suomea.
ja Suomessa asuvan on fiksua osata suomea.
se on muuten "vote _for_ Soini". toisten kielitaitoa voi moittia vain jos oma on kunnossa.
Sorry that I did not drop the line between because I was in a hurry while kids around me.
there are other countries in the world than just Finland, could be wiser to be open minded that language is just for communication here, not a mean of personal identity, or any political identity.
mulla on 4 lapsi 1 koira 1 mies kotona, ja mä on opskelleja yliopistossa Vassassa, sama aika, ma on työssa suomen firmlle kinassa 3 vuotia. kerro mulle, missa on mun aika jos ma haluan oppi suomea. mä voin sano minun nimeni on....., mutta en voi puhu kakki asias suomea kielilta.
you can see my Finnish level, very poor because I never use it at home, my husband speaks english with me. I have been taking two tasks in my life at the same time since lived in Finland. study and work, or raise kids and study at the same time. I think I did good job, I only study Finnish for foreigner on in university and few times in a church school when i have time. and my workplace did not require Finnish language either. so please not be so strict to me on language issue:)
Dear Hopeless
I really feel for you. I could be the man in this story, the one who is totally lost in between the mixed family relations. I have also been forced to give up relationships long after my divorce took place, it is something that I will never forgive. I know it myself, ex wives can be jealous and dark minded years after the divorce. The custody arrangements is the most usual tool for the unjustified revenge.
The goal for the ex is clearly to break your marriage, so it seems. If I were you, I would make the following clear to your husband:
- your husband is mentally controlled by his ex wife, he has lost his own will
- he must make a choice between the ex wife and you
- by letting go of the custody he will give more and more power to the ex wife; he will only make his own situation worse
- you can tell him that by acting like this he will finally jeopardize his relationship with you and the custody of your two common children (please be careflu with this)
- there is no way back from now, he must now make his choice
And please be well prepared for the discussion, it should feel more like a formal meeting rather than ordinary family chit-chat. Send the children away, and stay calm during the course of the talks. You will loose his respect if you become annoyed or desperate. By acting calm, you can make him undestand that at least you have made your choices.
I would personally let go of the 15y old daughter, she will be an adult soon and will come back to her daddy if she wants. My full respect though if your husband does not want to do so. But life is full of hellish choices to be made, sooner or later we must face them.
I wish you the best of luck! Please try to be strong, and tell us again if there's any progress!
Thank for your suggestion, actually, I have been always keep the communication channel open, that is why we can go so for and achive so much in our life.
I am not a person easy to give up, but I am not god that I can take everything.
We have a discussion last night, sames no good result because he continues blaim on me. I went out to think over everything that I have done, I dont feel guilty for anyone, only myself that I have been taken too much shit in my life. I have used up my generosity, patience, love, careness to every one who involved in this issue, still not enough. might be it is wrong to be nice and make compromise from the begnning, that result in the consquences that they believe that is my duty to them.
I dont understand what is wrong with me if I just want her ex follow the agreement??? I dont understand how can the issue being handled like this? her ex can change the agreement as her wish, without any discussion with us, or even inform us.I think the reason is that my husband has sent her the message by accepting her behavior and her wish all the time. so who am I? all his ex's wish, his wish, her daughter's wish have been considered, then where is my wish? If i only wish to have 3 kids at home for one week so I have less work to take care.
If his daughter behave good and not make trouble to me all the time, there will not be any problem for me to take more work. her lazyness, jealosy, greedy, lying, break family rules and game play with her mother to against me just push me to the broken point. I have tried so hard and so much, but not help lot.
do you think these family rules are wrong?
elder one need to love and care the younger one.
show repect to other's money, that means learn to say no to whatever you dont need when family members offer you.
dont lie.
dont play with other's computer or mobile phone without permission because that is privacy.
eat at the dinning table, not bring food to own room to eat and leave the dirty bowl for weeks
try to give a help hand when parents are busy.
sharing the house work.
keep own room clean and tidy.
dont teasing friends, classmates and sisters.
have open discussion for problem or feelings instead of gossip around the world. ( his daughter has been gossip to neighhood and my family members lots of things that I dont understand, such as grandmother like her mother, does not like me, I even dont know where it come from, grandmother or her mother or own imagination?)
I told him my choice if he wants so much to respect his ex's wish, now he is finding his way out of the situation as he said that he does not want to give up what we have achived.
lets see what will happen.